Curious..

Is a boyfriend who would rather spend time with online porn than be with you considered cheating?  Maybe not in the physical sense yet it still feels the same. 

I swear......you try to fulfill a persons every need, be there for them when necessary, only to realize you're a patsy....only to feel like a fool (not to mention undesirable).  

Same ole story.....you look for love, something real.....deep.  Yet you're just a tool, a temporary obsession or fascination.......and once again find that you have served your usefullness and are no longer wanted.  

The insult of it all is the worst part.  

Thanks buddy.......for reminding me that I'm trying to find something that doesn't exist.

Happy..

Thanksgiving!

Just wondering.........

Can we really trust anyone?

just wondering

Still lost..?

Ok.  Here is the deal.  Is it just a fantasy to expect to be loved unconditionally and for no other reason than you matter to someone?

My experience is that you can be the object of someone's affection if:

• You can be a stepping stone if they realize you can be helpful in helping them attain their agenda.;
• You have financial means that helps them enjoy a better lifestyle.  this usually goes along with the first statement.;
• You are considered attractive and the physical attention is a boost......but you'll usually find that there is no love involved from the other party;
• You provide all the concessions.  Makes things easy for them.;
• You are willing to give of yourself under a false set of assumptions (that you are working on building a relationship).  You'll most likely give of yourself until you are empty.......then you will find you have served your purpose.

So.......here we are.  Again.

Was Lost and Now I'm Found....

It's been a long while since last update and soooo much has changed!  Looking back over posts from earlier this year it seems like I don't even recognize the person that must have previously inhabited this body.

Let's just say I've discovered a few things:

1. Faith works. 
2. Life falls apart, then has a way of coming back together.  Then it becomes clear why it needed to fall apart.
3. The universe is chaotic....yet in the chaos, it manages to produce order.
4. Staying true to yourself is a must to keep sane.
5. When you ask God to give you the wisdom to know when He opens doors for you and which ones you should walk through......WATCH OUT!!!!.   He may start swinging doors open left and right and you find yourself back on the right path!
6. I now know absolute love.......finally.
7. We have paths, even destinies.........sometimes it takes years to circumnavigate that path and find the people and opportunities that one is destined to find.
8. Hope.
9. Perserverance pays off.  Don't give up.
10. I thought I knew what "falling in love" was all about.  I now know what it REALLY means......and wow......it is POWERFUL STUFF!!  I mean, who would've known?! 


Most important thing I've discovered.................I LOVE YOU JO!!!  You helped me know how to live...brought me happiness....are an amazing person, soul, lover....and don't believe you will ever really know what I see when I look in your eyes.  Thank you baby.

Enrique Inglesias........I Will Survive (and I will!)

Quote From Unknown Source....

I thinks it is ironic we tend to ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us... and hurt the ones who love us.

Seeing You Was Good (but crap it still hurts!)

    Ardell,
            Thank you for stopping by today to pick up that stuff.  Thank you even more for wanting to stay and visit with Coco and Ginger.  They've missed you.  You say that they're mine, but like I told you, they're your girls too. 
            I wanted to reach out and hold you and not let go.  Damn!  I've been preparing all week for this short visit.  Told myself I'd be aloof, friendly, and dressed nicely just to show you I'm ok.  Crap!  I miss the "us" from 4 years ago!  I see how we both lost each other a long time ago, but inside I always was in love with you very deeply.  And the hard thing is....I STILL AM!!!!  
           Everyone keeps giving me advice about this and that.  I know deep in my soul that when you finally won me over all those years ago, you had me forever.  I've tried to date and I feel like crap afterwards!  I want to date you!   I want to look over and see you on the sofa or in the kitchen!
          When I said that in case you wake up one day and realize you messed up and realize how much you're missing out on by having left.....and that you're welcome back.....I mean't it!  I cannot love anyone else.  It's not fair!  People keep telling me "that's life".  Yeah, well they can go fuck themselves! 
          When you left, I calmly walked inside....and fell apart.  God I love you.  There is such a huge hole inside!  I've been working on cooking skills, go to the grocery store, clip coupons.....all that stuff, just to show that I am more than happy to do whatever it takes to make your life easier and show you I care.
          Thanks again for coming.  I mean it.....you're welcome anytime to see the girls.  They are OUR girls! 

Remember.

Super Heroes

I've done a lot

God knows I've tried
To find the truth
I've even lied


But all I know
Is down inside I'm
Bleeding.


And super heroes
Come to feast
To taste the flesh
Not yet deceased.


And all I know
Is still the beast is
Feeding.

lyrics by Richard O'Brien. ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHARD PARSONS!!!!!!!!

     Hi Ric.  Even though I think of you every day, todays' date always causes me to pause and really remember all of our memories together.  All these years later I sometimes still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you're not here anymore.  Well, at least "here" in the sense of this world. 

     Yet, I must believe that you're always around.....somewhere.  It's my hope that you are looking after Misty for me.......waiting patiently for a time when we can all be together once again. 

     So Happy Birthday babe.  I miss you.  I love you.  See you soon!

     All my best,
     Kevy

Yeah....About That Last Post

     Maybe I was kinda rough on that last posting.  One of those "stages" of grief showing up yet again.  Then I have to get it out of my system on this blog. 

     If I hadn't met you, certain things would not have come into my life.  Primarily Coco

and Ginger.  The pain of our seperation is worth having them in my life.

    So, THANK YOU ARDELL!

    Just a side note.  If anyone can let Garrett Wang know I'm available now, that would be much appreciated!

On The Other Hand.......I'm Not Sure You Deserved Me!

It's funny what a little contemplation will do.  Started today missing you so much it hurt (as usual).  Then something happened.  Maybe it's part of that grief process where you end up in different stages along the way.  Not sure what this stage is, but I call it "Clarity".

Why do I feel a need to miss you?  Well, we did see each other day in and day out for 5 years.  That was about it though, wasn't it?  Lets look at this more closely.

The first year was pretty good.  I was at the top of my game.  Great career, circle of friends.

The next year that all changed due to company stuff.  Layoffs, etc. 

This is the time I lost a bit of my identity.  A little emotional support would have been nice.  You....you said nothing.

Found work with another company.  After a year, company layoffs.  Unemployed again.  More feeling of uselessness.  Again, you said nothing.

Oh, yeah.  Let's not forget the loss of Misty.  The weeks of me trying to make her comfortable.  My baby of 15 years.  The stress of knowing I was losing her.  Her final last breath.  You said nothing. 

In fact, for 4 out of our 5 years, you hardly said anything.  Do you know how to show comfort?  I don't really think so.  You buy love.  Presents for everyone.  Guess what?  You're fooling yourself, because people with souls don't need gifts in exchange for love. 

How often I think of how many times people questioned me as to why I was with you.  "He doesn't deserve you!", they would say.  You so hidden........me wanting to live, share, make the best of things.  My response to them was that I was in love.  I made a commitment. 

So many days wanting to sit next to you, holding you.  That would have interfered with your t.v. viewing.  Wow, you were pretty dull! 

It's so clear now.  You hate yourself so much, that you're incapable of true love for another.  I'm sure you don't mean to be that way. 

Maybe partly because of your culture with it's list of "taboos".  Don't show emotion.  Don't let anyone in. 

Then there is your work.  Secrecy.  No friends there!  I still have no what the hell you do. 

Finally the fact you have no friends!  That should have been a sign.  I do remember meeting some of your "friends".  You didn't talk to them either!  You'd just sit in the background, while I'd have to introduce myself to everyone.  That's just wierd!

So, yes, I admit that you got under my skin and in my heart.  Maybe I still hold out hope because I see a part of you that you've lost.  I know it's there, but you do not. 

Pity.  One day you'll realize, too late, what you let slip away.  Rather, you choose a lifetime of loneliness.

I'm gonna survive buddy!  I always do.

I Can't get over you....

Ardell,

I fricken love you more than you ever knew.  I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of letting you know this all these years!!!!.

Like Cher says..."If I could turn back time....".

People tell me I'm better off.  People tell me alot of things.  I don't necessarily listen of course!

You question your ability to be a good partner, a good friend.  I've known that part of you.  I see it in your eyes, in your actions, in those times I held you. 

I want to be mad (sometimes I am).  I want to cry (sometimes I do).  One day I feel liberated (other days I am a prisoner of my love and respect for you).

I'm sure you get the picture by now.  As I've said before, what makes me crazy is that I had no desire to fall in love with anyone when we met.  You pushed your way through that brick wall and swept me up off my feet,  (a bit romantic I know, but it's true!)
and much to my surprise, I fell for you.....hard! 


I LOVE YOU ARDELL!!!!

So, there we are.  You down there, me over here. 

Meanwhile, I'll be looking for the person who said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.", and I'm going to kick him in the nuts!

The Squirrel

I heard a commotion in the backyard this morning and went out to investigate.  Found Coco and Ginger chasing a squirrel who was on the top of the fence.  He was running from one side of the yard to the other, all the time staying on the very top of the fence.  The girls were staying right with him the whole way.  He was chatting (or whatever they do) at them the whole time.  The girls were going nuts, barking, chasing......quite a sight.

This went on for a good 5 to 10 minutes and I was just beginning to wonder if either was going to give in.  Right about that time, the squirrel stopped in the very corner of the fence above the water fountain.  All of the sudden, out of the blue, comes a bird straight at the squirrel!  That bird, who I assume was ready to put an end to all this chaos, dove squarely at the squirrel and knocked him off the fence.  Luckily the birds trajectory was away from the yard so the squirrel fell outside of the yard, safely away from my crazy guard dachshunds!

I feel like that squirrel.

What I did today.....

      Ok, here's what I did.  I went all the way down to Oaklawn and spent a couple of hours at JR,s.  Why?  Who the hell knows.  Well, actually I do know.  Because it's down the street from where you live babe.  I almost texted you countless times just to see if I could stop by and just visit, see how you're doing, give you an update on the girls. 

     I chickened out.  The last thing I need is for you to tell me I"m not welcome.  Or even worse, you have company!  (I know, that pisses you off when I assume this....but I told you about my self-esteem deal).
Then I thought about driving over and just parking outside your townhouse.  Again, I have no idea why.  I guess just to be close to you in some way.

    I ended up heading home to spend time with the girls.  Good thing I did, because in my fog of deciding to come all the way down to your part of the city, I fixed their dinner and ended up leaving their food bowls sitting on the counter!

   Ardell, I miss you so much.  One day I think I'm going to be ok, then I just feel as if life is over.  I've been working so hard to look over my past mistakes, words, or whatever that turned you away from me.  So much I want to fix.  I've even decided to steer clear of certain friends (you know who I'm talking about) just because of their toxic and negative personas. 

     It's the girls and me.  With one important part missing.  You.

Something Unexpected.....Dreams

     Well, it happened.  I was up very early today, did some laundry, folded sheets, etc... .   I guess I ended up sitting down on the sofa with Coco and Ginger and eventually fell asleep. 

    My next memory is standing in bathroom, brushing my teeth or something, and you standing at the doorway.  Blue shorts, white t-shirt, sandals.  At first it was natural, than I realized YOU WERE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY!

    That's the point, in all good dreaming, that I was so full of joy, shock and bewilderment.  Next thing I am slowly moving from that perfect world then hazily entering back to this world.  The pain, emptiness, and sorrow shot through my gut all at once.  I even started crying for goodness sake!

   Fracking dreams!!!! 

   Crap, I miss you so much.

On Being Vulnerable

  I was talking to someone recently whom I met online in regards to the post break-up period. His story is similar to mine and we were both discussing our mutual apprehension over this weird period where your previous relationship is still fresh in your memory. Mostly the small, everyday occurrences that you miss the most. Here you are, mourning these and other things, while trying to look toward the future. Do you date? Who do you trust? Can you even trust? What if your ex comes back to you wanting to try again?

My friend asked me how I would handle meeting someone, like himself, who was also in the vulnerable stage. He wanted to know how you could recognize if you're feeling true feelings for someone, or is it just the "on the rebound" thing. Plus, having just been "dumped", the last thing you want is to get in the dating game and risk more rejections.

We both know people who have ended a relationship and immediately began trying to fill the void. Constant hook-ups, dates, always looking for the next guy to fill that emptiness. This road usually, in my experience, leads to deeper sense of loneliness. Almost manic expressions at an attempt to self heal the quick and easy route.

I know for me, I would love to have that void filled up immediately. It hurts like hell! I miss my ex terribly. Still not sure why he chose to leave me. Regardless, I also feel if I slowly make "friends" first and foremost, these are the people with whom a true relationship could develop. It's like I'll "know" when I meet someone, somewhere, and deep down inside have that thought "This might be worth pursuing!"

Having been truly "in love" twice in my life, I believe (and hope) I will recognize a true connection. This was the best advice I could offer my friend. That old saying, "No risk, no reward" just sucks. I'm also a little suspicious about "It's better to have loved and lost, then never to ...blah blah blah". There are days I'd like to find the person who first said that statement and kick em in the nuts!

I suppose the best we can do is take it one day at a time.....or one minute at a time in some cases. Avoid impulsive actions and keep your mind, and heart, sharp right now. Sort of like keeping your senses at a "yellow alert".

Then again, maybe I'll get lucky, be sitting at a coffee shop, look up, and see my soul mate looking back at me. Us both knowing and thinking, "He's the one!" I could also win the lottery, be People magazine's "Man of the Year, and get struck by lightning 100 times.





    

Today's Stage: Irony

Today has been one of memories.  Ironic in that each memory that surfaces is a good one........then it hurts like a rhino kick to the chest.

I remember:

how you would always slide half your fries on to my plate when you were done eating;

how the girls would wait by the window at 4:45pm every day.  They see you walk up the sidewalk.  The wagging tails.

the trip to San Antonio.

the trip to Houston.

Mazatlan....twice.

Watching you nap on the red sofa.  The girls curled up with you.

Hearing you leave in the morning around 4:30 a.m.  The garage door opening, then closing.

You making dinner in the kitchen.  Me watching you and you being unaware of it.

Me watching you.....always.

Loving you....always.

Crap!  I want these memories to be fond ones.  Maybe one day?  Now, they're just daggers in my soul.
    

Today's Grief Stage.....Pity

I have been naturally going through the cycles of grief, but today's feelings are not of myself, but for you Ardell. I pity the fact that you are missing out on all the little things you are now missing with the girls. The walks, bunny rabbit chasing, toy tug-of-war, and the looks in their eyes when they just seem to say, "You are important to me.".

I also pity that you have isolated yourself from the world, people, and life. I sort of understand since I went through this period of isolation myself. The difference was knowing that you were there beside me (so I thought) and represented a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, yes, I'm still confounded by the whole thing. You're the only one that can answer those questions. Still, I pity that you are so afraid of love, hurt, joy, pain, and all that makes us human.

Will always love you........always have a place for you.......but cannot promise that there may be a day that the place you vacated has been occupied by someone stronger....with a heart. Just like you used to possess.

You're missing out on so much. Again, I don't know what demons have suppressed the Ardell I once knew, but I do hope they find somewhere else to reside.....soon.

Still love you. Can't help that. Ginger and Coco say hi. Still looking for daddie Ardell everyday around 4:45 p.m. That's my hardest time too, for the record.

The Kiss

I want this...the romance, the trust, the bond.

THANK YOU BABE!

Thank you Ardell for seeing me today. I didn't get all the answers I needed but I see you're hurting for reasons you don't even know. We both know you keep it all inside.........that is going to be your undoing.

Just remember what I said....you always have a home. The girls will always be your girls too. I will always love you no matter what. I'm probably gonna scream and cry alot during this time.

Like I told you, after Ric died, I never wanted to love and lose someone again. I let you in after all those years finally made the hurt a little less painful. Now, you've left too. Very numb right now.

I'm worried about you. I can't help you.....helpless again like to so many others that I seem to be of no help. I want to hate you so much, but I can't.

When you couldnt take Misty's ashes because you said it would be too painful every time you saw them told me alot about you that I didn't realize. You do not yet have the courage to face true pain and hurt. I have so many times, it's become a part of my family now. I will tell you this, facing the pain and going through it will free you.

Now having lectured you on this just now, I on the other hand want to become unconscious and never wake up. Coco and Ginger keep me grounded. For now. They smelled you on me when I got home from your place.

So, remember, you can always come here, visit, walk the girls, whatever. I hope you find that demon that is driving you now.

Love you always.
K.

Ardell, It's Me Again..

It's time to talk. Whatever is inside you needs out. Let's get out of this limbo. Do I move on, are we on a hiatus? Help me understand. You're the only one that can explain. You have all the power.

Ardell, Glad You're OK Considering...

Ardell,

You have no idea how happy I was to get your email this morning. This whole mess sucks. One moment I'm empowered to move on, brush myself off, and get my life together. Then there are those waves of deep feelings of love that are still very much alive. Then comes the sadness of not knowing if you're thinking we might make it after you've done some soul searching, or it's over for good. I don't know! It makes my stomach hurt like crazy. Eating is like poison to me.

Crap! I wonder if the fact that now I don't have you on your terms, makes it all the more important to get you back. I want what I want. Now I don't know. I did a couple of weeks ago, but you're decision blindsided me.

Thanks again for the email. It was something important to me anyway.

ERASURE STOP

Give Up or Not?

I'm usually not a quitter.  Today I am.  Can't take the hurt.  Too much loss.  Too much pain.  I fucking give up.  What about the girls?  They are my purpose.  Is it enough.  I dont know if I can be any good to them. 

Holy fuck I hurt bad!  Was doing good on new medication.  Now today, I'm thinking very dark thoughts.  Me!  That's crazy!  It's fucking selfish to go that direction.  Still, I hurt so bad.

Message To Ardell

Dammit Ardell.  I miss you so much and it makes me crazy that I am so lost without you.  How could you abandon me now of all times?  I'm hurt, mad, sad, empty...and all those wonderful feelings.  Coco and Ginger look for you every day.  They won't eat!

I know you're sick of hearing this, but you truly don't know what you've got till it's gone!  I've had to learn that lesson over and over. 

Be safe, be happy, and above all else know that you are and have always been loved more than you will ever know.

Kev