The Squirrel

I heard a commotion in the backyard this morning and went out to investigate.  Found Coco and Ginger chasing a squirrel who was on the top of the fence.  He was running from one side of the yard to the other, all the time staying on the very top of the fence.  The girls were staying right with him the whole way.  He was chatting (or whatever they do) at them the whole time.  The girls were going nuts, barking, chasing......quite a sight.

This went on for a good 5 to 10 minutes and I was just beginning to wonder if either was going to give in.  Right about that time, the squirrel stopped in the very corner of the fence above the water fountain.  All of the sudden, out of the blue, comes a bird straight at the squirrel!  That bird, who I assume was ready to put an end to all this chaos, dove squarely at the squirrel and knocked him off the fence.  Luckily the birds trajectory was away from the yard so the squirrel fell outside of the yard, safely away from my crazy guard dachshunds!

I feel like that squirrel.

What I did today.....

      Ok, here's what I did.  I went all the way down to Oaklawn and spent a couple of hours at JR,s.  Why?  Who the hell knows.  Well, actually I do know.  Because it's down the street from where you live babe.  I almost texted you countless times just to see if I could stop by and just visit, see how you're doing, give you an update on the girls. 

     I chickened out.  The last thing I need is for you to tell me I"m not welcome.  Or even worse, you have company!  (I know, that pisses you off when I assume this....but I told you about my self-esteem deal).
Then I thought about driving over and just parking outside your townhouse.  Again, I have no idea why.  I guess just to be close to you in some way.

    I ended up heading home to spend time with the girls.  Good thing I did, because in my fog of deciding to come all the way down to your part of the city, I fixed their dinner and ended up leaving their food bowls sitting on the counter!

   Ardell, I miss you so much.  One day I think I'm going to be ok, then I just feel as if life is over.  I've been working so hard to look over my past mistakes, words, or whatever that turned you away from me.  So much I want to fix.  I've even decided to steer clear of certain friends (you know who I'm talking about) just because of their toxic and negative personas. 

     It's the girls and me.  With one important part missing.  You.

Something Unexpected.....Dreams

     Well, it happened.  I was up very early today, did some laundry, folded sheets, etc... .   I guess I ended up sitting down on the sofa with Coco and Ginger and eventually fell asleep. 

    My next memory is standing in bathroom, brushing my teeth or something, and you standing at the doorway.  Blue shorts, white t-shirt, sandals.  At first it was natural, than I realized YOU WERE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY!

    That's the point, in all good dreaming, that I was so full of joy, shock and bewilderment.  Next thing I am slowly moving from that perfect world then hazily entering back to this world.  The pain, emptiness, and sorrow shot through my gut all at once.  I even started crying for goodness sake!

   Fracking dreams!!!! 

   Crap, I miss you so much.

On Being Vulnerable

  I was talking to someone recently whom I met online in regards to the post break-up period. His story is similar to mine and we were both discussing our mutual apprehension over this weird period where your previous relationship is still fresh in your memory. Mostly the small, everyday occurrences that you miss the most. Here you are, mourning these and other things, while trying to look toward the future. Do you date? Who do you trust? Can you even trust? What if your ex comes back to you wanting to try again?

My friend asked me how I would handle meeting someone, like himself, who was also in the vulnerable stage. He wanted to know how you could recognize if you're feeling true feelings for someone, or is it just the "on the rebound" thing. Plus, having just been "dumped", the last thing you want is to get in the dating game and risk more rejections.

We both know people who have ended a relationship and immediately began trying to fill the void. Constant hook-ups, dates, always looking for the next guy to fill that emptiness. This road usually, in my experience, leads to deeper sense of loneliness. Almost manic expressions at an attempt to self heal the quick and easy route.

I know for me, I would love to have that void filled up immediately. It hurts like hell! I miss my ex terribly. Still not sure why he chose to leave me. Regardless, I also feel if I slowly make "friends" first and foremost, these are the people with whom a true relationship could develop. It's like I'll "know" when I meet someone, somewhere, and deep down inside have that thought "This might be worth pursuing!"

Having been truly "in love" twice in my life, I believe (and hope) I will recognize a true connection. This was the best advice I could offer my friend. That old saying, "No risk, no reward" just sucks. I'm also a little suspicious about "It's better to have loved and lost, then never to ...blah blah blah". There are days I'd like to find the person who first said that statement and kick em in the nuts!

I suppose the best we can do is take it one day at a time.....or one minute at a time in some cases. Avoid impulsive actions and keep your mind, and heart, sharp right now. Sort of like keeping your senses at a "yellow alert".

Then again, maybe I'll get lucky, be sitting at a coffee shop, look up, and see my soul mate looking back at me. Us both knowing and thinking, "He's the one!" I could also win the lottery, be People magazine's "Man of the Year, and get struck by lightning 100 times.





    

Today's Stage: Irony

Today has been one of memories.  Ironic in that each memory that surfaces is a good one........then it hurts like a rhino kick to the chest.

I remember:

how you would always slide half your fries on to my plate when you were done eating;

how the girls would wait by the window at 4:45pm every day.  They see you walk up the sidewalk.  The wagging tails.

the trip to San Antonio.

the trip to Houston.

Mazatlan....twice.

Watching you nap on the red sofa.  The girls curled up with you.

Hearing you leave in the morning around 4:30 a.m.  The garage door opening, then closing.

You making dinner in the kitchen.  Me watching you and you being unaware of it.

Me watching you.....always.

Loving you....always.

Crap!  I want these memories to be fond ones.  Maybe one day?  Now, they're just daggers in my soul.
    

Today's Grief Stage.....Pity

I have been naturally going through the cycles of grief, but today's feelings are not of myself, but for you Ardell. I pity the fact that you are missing out on all the little things you are now missing with the girls. The walks, bunny rabbit chasing, toy tug-of-war, and the looks in their eyes when they just seem to say, "You are important to me.".

I also pity that you have isolated yourself from the world, people, and life. I sort of understand since I went through this period of isolation myself. The difference was knowing that you were there beside me (so I thought) and represented a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, yes, I'm still confounded by the whole thing. You're the only one that can answer those questions. Still, I pity that you are so afraid of love, hurt, joy, pain, and all that makes us human.

Will always love you........always have a place for you.......but cannot promise that there may be a day that the place you vacated has been occupied by someone stronger....with a heart. Just like you used to possess.

You're missing out on so much. Again, I don't know what demons have suppressed the Ardell I once knew, but I do hope they find somewhere else to reside.....soon.

Still love you. Can't help that. Ginger and Coco say hi. Still looking for daddie Ardell everyday around 4:45 p.m. That's my hardest time too, for the record.

The Kiss

I want this...the romance, the trust, the bond.

THANK YOU BABE!

Thank you Ardell for seeing me today. I didn't get all the answers I needed but I see you're hurting for reasons you don't even know. We both know you keep it all inside.........that is going to be your undoing.

Just remember what I said....you always have a home. The girls will always be your girls too. I will always love you no matter what. I'm probably gonna scream and cry alot during this time.

Like I told you, after Ric died, I never wanted to love and lose someone again. I let you in after all those years finally made the hurt a little less painful. Now, you've left too. Very numb right now.

I'm worried about you. I can't help you.....helpless again like to so many others that I seem to be of no help. I want to hate you so much, but I can't.

When you couldnt take Misty's ashes because you said it would be too painful every time you saw them told me alot about you that I didn't realize. You do not yet have the courage to face true pain and hurt. I have so many times, it's become a part of my family now. I will tell you this, facing the pain and going through it will free you.

Now having lectured you on this just now, I on the other hand want to become unconscious and never wake up. Coco and Ginger keep me grounded. For now. They smelled you on me when I got home from your place.

So, remember, you can always come here, visit, walk the girls, whatever. I hope you find that demon that is driving you now.

Love you always.
K.

Ardell, It's Me Again..

It's time to talk. Whatever is inside you needs out. Let's get out of this limbo. Do I move on, are we on a hiatus? Help me understand. You're the only one that can explain. You have all the power.

Ardell, Glad You're OK Considering...

Ardell,

You have no idea how happy I was to get your email this morning. This whole mess sucks. One moment I'm empowered to move on, brush myself off, and get my life together. Then there are those waves of deep feelings of love that are still very much alive. Then comes the sadness of not knowing if you're thinking we might make it after you've done some soul searching, or it's over for good. I don't know! It makes my stomach hurt like crazy. Eating is like poison to me.

Crap! I wonder if the fact that now I don't have you on your terms, makes it all the more important to get you back. I want what I want. Now I don't know. I did a couple of weeks ago, but you're decision blindsided me.

Thanks again for the email. It was something important to me anyway.

ERASURE STOP

Give Up or Not?

I'm usually not a quitter.  Today I am.  Can't take the hurt.  Too much loss.  Too much pain.  I fucking give up.  What about the girls?  They are my purpose.  Is it enough.  I dont know if I can be any good to them. 

Holy fuck I hurt bad!  Was doing good on new medication.  Now today, I'm thinking very dark thoughts.  Me!  That's crazy!  It's fucking selfish to go that direction.  Still, I hurt so bad.