Enrique Inglesias........I Will Survive (and I will!)

Quote From Unknown Source....

I thinks it is ironic we tend to ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us... and hurt the ones who love us.

Seeing You Was Good (but crap it still hurts!)

    Ardell,
            Thank you for stopping by today to pick up that stuff.  Thank you even more for wanting to stay and visit with Coco and Ginger.  They've missed you.  You say that they're mine, but like I told you, they're your girls too. 
            I wanted to reach out and hold you and not let go.  Damn!  I've been preparing all week for this short visit.  Told myself I'd be aloof, friendly, and dressed nicely just to show you I'm ok.  Crap!  I miss the "us" from 4 years ago!  I see how we both lost each other a long time ago, but inside I always was in love with you very deeply.  And the hard thing is....I STILL AM!!!!  
           Everyone keeps giving me advice about this and that.  I know deep in my soul that when you finally won me over all those years ago, you had me forever.  I've tried to date and I feel like crap afterwards!  I want to date you!   I want to look over and see you on the sofa or in the kitchen!
          When I said that in case you wake up one day and realize you messed up and realize how much you're missing out on by having left.....and that you're welcome back.....I mean't it!  I cannot love anyone else.  It's not fair!  People keep telling me "that's life".  Yeah, well they can go fuck themselves! 
          When you left, I calmly walked inside....and fell apart.  God I love you.  There is such a huge hole inside!  I've been working on cooking skills, go to the grocery store, clip coupons.....all that stuff, just to show that I am more than happy to do whatever it takes to make your life easier and show you I care.
          Thanks again for coming.  I mean it.....you're welcome anytime to see the girls.  They are OUR girls! 

Remember.

Super Heroes

I've done a lot

God knows I've tried
To find the truth
I've even lied


But all I know
Is down inside I'm
Bleeding.


And super heroes
Come to feast
To taste the flesh
Not yet deceased.


And all I know
Is still the beast is
Feeding.

lyrics by Richard O'Brien. ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHARD PARSONS!!!!!!!!

     Hi Ric.  Even though I think of you every day, todays' date always causes me to pause and really remember all of our memories together.  All these years later I sometimes still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you're not here anymore.  Well, at least "here" in the sense of this world. 

     Yet, I must believe that you're always around.....somewhere.  It's my hope that you are looking after Misty for me.......waiting patiently for a time when we can all be together once again. 

     So Happy Birthday babe.  I miss you.  I love you.  See you soon!

     All my best,
     Kevy

Yeah....About That Last Post

     Maybe I was kinda rough on that last posting.  One of those "stages" of grief showing up yet again.  Then I have to get it out of my system on this blog. 

     If I hadn't met you, certain things would not have come into my life.  Primarily Coco

and Ginger.  The pain of our seperation is worth having them in my life.

    So, THANK YOU ARDELL!

    Just a side note.  If anyone can let Garrett Wang know I'm available now, that would be much appreciated!

On The Other Hand.......I'm Not Sure You Deserved Me!

It's funny what a little contemplation will do.  Started today missing you so much it hurt (as usual).  Then something happened.  Maybe it's part of that grief process where you end up in different stages along the way.  Not sure what this stage is, but I call it "Clarity".

Why do I feel a need to miss you?  Well, we did see each other day in and day out for 5 years.  That was about it though, wasn't it?  Lets look at this more closely.

The first year was pretty good.  I was at the top of my game.  Great career, circle of friends.

The next year that all changed due to company stuff.  Layoffs, etc. 

This is the time I lost a bit of my identity.  A little emotional support would have been nice.  You....you said nothing.

Found work with another company.  After a year, company layoffs.  Unemployed again.  More feeling of uselessness.  Again, you said nothing.

Oh, yeah.  Let's not forget the loss of Misty.  The weeks of me trying to make her comfortable.  My baby of 15 years.  The stress of knowing I was losing her.  Her final last breath.  You said nothing. 

In fact, for 4 out of our 5 years, you hardly said anything.  Do you know how to show comfort?  I don't really think so.  You buy love.  Presents for everyone.  Guess what?  You're fooling yourself, because people with souls don't need gifts in exchange for love. 

How often I think of how many times people questioned me as to why I was with you.  "He doesn't deserve you!", they would say.  You so hidden........me wanting to live, share, make the best of things.  My response to them was that I was in love.  I made a commitment. 

So many days wanting to sit next to you, holding you.  That would have interfered with your t.v. viewing.  Wow, you were pretty dull! 

It's so clear now.  You hate yourself so much, that you're incapable of true love for another.  I'm sure you don't mean to be that way. 

Maybe partly because of your culture with it's list of "taboos".  Don't show emotion.  Don't let anyone in. 

Then there is your work.  Secrecy.  No friends there!  I still have no what the hell you do. 

Finally the fact you have no friends!  That should have been a sign.  I do remember meeting some of your "friends".  You didn't talk to them either!  You'd just sit in the background, while I'd have to introduce myself to everyone.  That's just wierd!

So, yes, I admit that you got under my skin and in my heart.  Maybe I still hold out hope because I see a part of you that you've lost.  I know it's there, but you do not. 

Pity.  One day you'll realize, too late, what you let slip away.  Rather, you choose a lifetime of loneliness.

I'm gonna survive buddy!  I always do.

I Can't get over you....

Ardell,

I fricken love you more than you ever knew.  I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of letting you know this all these years!!!!.

Like Cher says..."If I could turn back time....".

People tell me I'm better off.  People tell me alot of things.  I don't necessarily listen of course!

You question your ability to be a good partner, a good friend.  I've known that part of you.  I see it in your eyes, in your actions, in those times I held you. 

I want to be mad (sometimes I am).  I want to cry (sometimes I do).  One day I feel liberated (other days I am a prisoner of my love and respect for you).

I'm sure you get the picture by now.  As I've said before, what makes me crazy is that I had no desire to fall in love with anyone when we met.  You pushed your way through that brick wall and swept me up off my feet,  (a bit romantic I know, but it's true!)
and much to my surprise, I fell for you.....hard! 


I LOVE YOU ARDELL!!!!

So, there we are.  You down there, me over here. 

Meanwhile, I'll be looking for the person who said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.", and I'm going to kick him in the nuts!