On The Other Hand.......I'm Not Sure You Deserved Me!

It's funny what a little contemplation will do.  Started today missing you so much it hurt (as usual).  Then something happened.  Maybe it's part of that grief process where you end up in different stages along the way.  Not sure what this stage is, but I call it "Clarity".

Why do I feel a need to miss you?  Well, we did see each other day in and day out for 5 years.  That was about it though, wasn't it?  Lets look at this more closely.

The first year was pretty good.  I was at the top of my game.  Great career, circle of friends.

The next year that all changed due to company stuff.  Layoffs, etc. 

This is the time I lost a bit of my identity.  A little emotional support would have been nice.  You....you said nothing.

Found work with another company.  After a year, company layoffs.  Unemployed again.  More feeling of uselessness.  Again, you said nothing.

Oh, yeah.  Let's not forget the loss of Misty.  The weeks of me trying to make her comfortable.  My baby of 15 years.  The stress of knowing I was losing her.  Her final last breath.  You said nothing. 

In fact, for 4 out of our 5 years, you hardly said anything.  Do you know how to show comfort?  I don't really think so.  You buy love.  Presents for everyone.  Guess what?  You're fooling yourself, because people with souls don't need gifts in exchange for love. 

How often I think of how many times people questioned me as to why I was with you.  "He doesn't deserve you!", they would say.  You so hidden........me wanting to live, share, make the best of things.  My response to them was that I was in love.  I made a commitment. 

So many days wanting to sit next to you, holding you.  That would have interfered with your t.v. viewing.  Wow, you were pretty dull! 

It's so clear now.  You hate yourself so much, that you're incapable of true love for another.  I'm sure you don't mean to be that way. 

Maybe partly because of your culture with it's list of "taboos".  Don't show emotion.  Don't let anyone in. 

Then there is your work.  Secrecy.  No friends there!  I still have no what the hell you do. 

Finally the fact you have no friends!  That should have been a sign.  I do remember meeting some of your "friends".  You didn't talk to them either!  You'd just sit in the background, while I'd have to introduce myself to everyone.  That's just wierd!

So, yes, I admit that you got under my skin and in my heart.  Maybe I still hold out hope because I see a part of you that you've lost.  I know it's there, but you do not. 

Pity.  One day you'll realize, too late, what you let slip away.  Rather, you choose a lifetime of loneliness.

I'm gonna survive buddy!  I always do.